Interpersonal conflict

Art by Luna Rose

Interpersonal conflict happens when people disagree. They may disagree about values, goals, solutions to a problem, or other things. Conflicts can be sources of stress and may strain relationships, especially if they are not handled in constructive ways.

Some degree of interpersonal conflict in a relationship is normal. Voicing disagreement from time to time is an important part of communication. Resolving conflicts respectfully and healthily can strengthen relationships and reduce stress. High levels of conflict, or conflict that results in unkind or unfair behavior, can damage relationships and wellbeing.

People approach conflict in various ways, depending on personalities, relationships, and the situation.

Types of conflict

Experts sort conflicts into 6 broad types.

Pseudo conflict

Pseudo conflicts are also known as honest misunderstandings. One person interprets something the other person said in a different way that it was intended. Or one person believes that someone has different goals when they actually have the same goals.

Clarification is often the best way to resolve this.

Fact conflict

People disagree about the facts of a situation. Fact-checking can often resolve this.

Examples:

• Someone looks out the window and says, "What a cute sparrow!" A coworker says, "No, that's a dove." To solve it, they pull up images of birds and compare it to what they see.
• One friend thinks a politician promised to raise taxes on the ultra-rich. Another friend thinks that didn't happen. They can look up the politician's stance online.
• A woman thinks her wife agreed to go to a nice restaurant on Saturday. Her wife doesn't remember doing so.

Sometimes, such as when two people remember a conversation or personal event differently, there is no way to fact-check. In cases like these, people can decide on a way forward regardless. For example, in the restaurant example, the wives could decide to go out to dinner anyway.

Value conflict

Value conflicts happen when two or more people disagree over fundamental values.

Examples:

• A woman believes in the right to an abortion. Her boyfriend says abortion should be illegal.
• A man's step-nephew is unexpectedly orphaned. The man believes the boy deserves a good home and they should raise him as their own. His wife thinks it isn't their problem and they should let the child go into foster care.

These disagreements can be very difficult to resolve.

Policy conflict

Policy conflict happens when two people disagree over how to solve a problem or handle a situation. Since people have different perspectives, these conflicts are common.

Examples:

• A boy makes fun of his sister. The dad says the boy should be grounded. The mom says that their son just needs a talking-to.
• A team is dealing with a high workload. One team member says they should ask to have a deadline pushed back. Another says they can do it in time. A third says they can do it if they bring in an extra person to help.

Policy conflicts can often be resolved through clear communication and exploration of options. Parties can state their goals and concerns so that everything is taken into account.

Ego conflict

Ego conflicts often start as one type of conflict, then become personal. People feel (correctly or incorrectly) that their intelligence, skills, or other traits have been insulted. They then link these traits to the outcome of the conflict. As a result, no one wants to back down.

When a conflict becomes an ego conflict, it can become messy and derail from the original issue.

Examples:

• One person posts something racial on the internet, and another person says the post is racist. The poster takes this personally and says, "I am not a racist person." The commenter says, "I am not a person who tolerates racism." This creates a deadlock.
• An aging man struggles to unsubscribe from unwanted emails. "It'll be easy once I show you," his daughter says. He feels condescended to, and he calls her a know-it-all who never minds her own business. Both feel insulted. The father continues to struggle while refusing help from his exasperated daughter.

Resolving the issue might require fixing the ego wounds first. This requires tact and understanding, and can be difficult. In the technology example, the daughter could affirm her father's skills, or the father could apologize for lashing out and say he appreciates her desire to help. Then they might be able to fix the original issue by her teaching him how to unsubscribe.

However, assuaging injured egos is complicated and sometimes extremely challenging, especially if the offended person has deep-seated baggage related to the conflict.

Meta conflict

Meta conflict happens when people fall into conflict about their conflicts.

Examples:

• A mom says, "You don't listen to what I'm saying." Her son says, "That's because you never listen to me."
• A man says, "You always run from me when I'm trying to talk about problems." His husband says, "You're so pushy with me, it's stifling."

Clearly expressing needs and feelings in a nonjudgmental way may help resolve meta conflicts. One or both people might choose to improve their communication skills for the future.

Ways people react to conflict

Reactions to conflict vary based on the individual, the relationship, and the specific situation. They can be sorted into a few general categories.

People who resolve daily conflicts (as opposed to often avoiding them or leaving them unresolved) often have less stress.

Conflict responses can roughly be sorted into basic instincts. There is fight (competition), flight and freeze (avoidance), and fawning (accommodation, compromise, and collaboration).

Avoidance

Avoidance means withdrawing from the conflict. The person may leave, shut down, refuse to discuss things, ignore others, or say the problem is not important enough to discuss. Avoidance can be a form of people pleasing or a way to escape from perceived confrontation.

Repeated avoidance can cause problems to go unresolved and may cause hidden feelings to fester.

Avoidance may involve indirect ways of addressing the conflict. Someone may use hints or jokes, which other people may or may not be able to decode. It may lead to passive-aggressive behavior, as people want to resolve the conflict but do not do so in healthy ways.

Brief avoidance can sometimes be used in healthy ways. For example, someone may choose to take a walk to cool off instead of arguing.

Accommodation

Accommodation may be done out of generosity or due to coercion.

Accommodation means giving the other person what they want. A healthy relationship involves give-and-take, so people will sometimes accommodate each other. This may happen because one person decides that the other is right, or that making the other person happy is more important than getting what they originally wanted.

Accommodation may be done out of generosity, obedience, or yielding.

Accommodation can be a problem when it becomes too frequent or one-sided. One person may end up with unmet needs. This can lead to resentment or feelings of helplessness.

Compromise

In a compromise, both people sacrifice a little to come up with a solution they think is fair enough. They both win and lose a little.

Compromise is successful when both people decide they can be happy with the chosen solution. However, other times, it can lead to hidden frustration and resentment.

Competition

Competition happens when people choose to advocate for their own perspective and "win." This can be aggressive and coercive, but it can also be polite and assertive.

Competition may follow a pattern of verbal escalation: requests, demands, complaints, angry statements, threats, harassment, and verbal abuse. Some people may refuse to progress beyond a certain level, while others progress to abuse.

Too much competition can damage relationships, especially if it becomes contentious. It can create hostile and toxic environments.

Collaboration

Collaboration involves working as a team to figure out a solution. People suggest and discuss the merits of different options. They work to find a solution that makes everyone happy.

To collaborate, people can work on active listening, showing empathy, focusing on common ground, and improve communication.

Collaboration requires maturity and dedication, but it can strengthen relationships and yield positive results.

See also

• Active listening
• Assertiveness
• Conflict
• Conflict management
• Conflict resolution
• Dispute resolution
• Marital conflict
• Resentment
• Verbal abuse